Author: P A
Last saved by: Peter

POD TO PLUTO

Series 2

Episode 3 – Down All The Days

Written by

Peter Richard Adams

SCENE 1.

JEMIMA: 	(V.O.) Space. The final job before I quit. These are the voyages of UK Space Agency Engineering Pod Number 46. My five-year mission: to explore the ten square metres I’m trapped inside, seek out Pluto and boldly go and switch the lights off. If they’re still on. 

FADE

SCENE 2.

F/X: 	THE LOW HUM AND BLEEPS THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FROM THE INTERIOR OF A SPACE-GOING VESSEL.

POD:				Jemima! Jemima! Quick! Look out the window! 

JEMIMA: 			Why?

POD: 	It’s one of the seven wonders of the galaxy! One of the true great sights! The view that has been known to cause strong men – men who have spent their entire life dedicated to the cause of atheism –fall to their knees and thank God for having been allowed life!

JEMIMA: 	It better not be another box of discarded KFC, Pod. 

POD:	It’s the rings of Saturn, Jemima! The rings of Saturn! A spectacular bounty of cosmic dust spiralling into eternity. A sight more beautiful than Cleopatra, Aphrodite, Fabio and whoever that was the Trojan war was about – but all rolled into one!

JEMIMA:			Where? Where?

POD: 	Its magnificence is awe inspiring! No less than 100 noted poems have been written about it and yet it has only ever been seen in person by 172 people, 98 of which were broadly illiterate. 

JEMIMA:			I can’t see it. 

POD:				Too late, s’gone. 

JEMIMA: 			What?! Where was it?

POD:	Other side. It zipped past while you were jabbering.

JEMIMA:	I was jabbering? Pod! Why didn’t you say anything? 

POD:	Why didn’t I say anything? I think you’ll find it was all I’ve been talking about. 

JEMIMA:			Damnit Pod! 

POD:				Damn what? 

JEMIMA:			You. I’ve had just about enough of you. 

POD:				What have I done?

JEMIMA:	I’m going to have a look at your matrix. There’s got to be something off. You’ve been getting steadily more and more glitch ever since we set off. 

POD: 	I’ve been doing nothing of the sort nothing of the sort I haven’t. 

JEMIMA: 	Which can only mean your self-diagnostics are off as well. It’s long past time we put you right. Come on now. Open up your hatch. 

POD:				I’ll do no such thing. 

JEMIMA: 	Don’t be shy. Open it up. I want to have a look inside you. 

POD: 	No. I have my pride. Plus there are some areas of a professional relationship where mystery should be upheld. 

JEMIMA: 			Right then, I’ll prise it open with a screwdriver. 

POD: 				Jemima… What are you doing Jemima?

JEMIMA:			I told you Pod. 

POD: 				Told me what? 

JEMIMA: 			I’ve had enough of this. Let’s get you open. 

POD:				Don’t do it, Jemima. 

F/X: 	THE CLANG OF A FALLING METAL PLATE.

JEMIMA:			Oh my… What is that smell?!

POD: 	That’s a very intimate question of a very personal nature. 

JEMIMA: 			Pod, have you got something dead inside you? 

POD: 				Define dead? 

JEMIMA:  			Hang on… Is this a KFC Family Bucket?

POD:				I like ‘em.  

JEMIMA:	No you don’t. You’re a Pod. Pod’s don’t like chicken. 

POD:	I do.

JEMIMA:	Get John on the comm. 

POD:	Getting John on the comm now. 

F/X: 	COMMUNICATOR RINGS AND IS ANSWERED. 

JOHN:	(D) Good afternoon this is Command & Control, John speaking, how can I help?

JEMIMA:			John, it’s me.

JOHN:	(D) Yo Jemima! What’s shaking? Have you seen Saturn yet? What’s it like? It’s one of the seven wonders of the galaxy! One of the true great sights! The view that has been known to cause strong men… 

JEMIMA:	No John, we missed it. 

JOHN:	(D) Missed it? 

POD:	No we haven’t, we’re miles away yet.

JEMIMA:	But you said it went past five minutes ago. 

POD:	My mistake. That was, as you suspected, a Zinger Meal carton surrounded by wing bones and dirt.

JEMIMA:	John, what the shock is going on with Pod?

JOHN:			(D) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Pod. 

POD:				See I told you. I am hunky and dory. 

JEMIMA:	I don’t care what either of you think… I want to know what the readout actually says. 	

JOHN:	(D) Sure, sure… I’ll take a look but I don’t think there’s anything – wow! 

JEMIMA: 			Is that: “Wow! All his vitals are looking ok?” 

JOHN: 			(D) It’s like that. But more the opposite. 

JEMIMA: 			How opposite?

JOHN: 	(D) Well, I think you started off with too low a base with “ok”. Let’s substitute that for “practically perfect in every way.”

JEMIMA: 			Ok. 

JOHN:			(D) And now think of the opposite of that. 

JEMIMA:			Ah, Pretty dreadful then?

JOHN:	(D) That’s certainly closer. Although, to be fair we’d have to smash “dreadful” up a bit with a lump hammer to get close to what I’m looking at. 

JEMIMA:			What are you looking at, John? 

JOHN:	(D) Well for starters Pod appears to be running on the same amount of processing power that you’d get in an average, cheap, hotel kettle. 

JEMIMA:			And that’s bad?

JOHN: 	(D) It is if you want a decent cup of tea. 

POD:				I can make a decent cup of tea!

F/X: 					SOUND OF KETTLE BOILING.

JEMIMA:			But I don’t want tea, John. 

POD:				(SINGS) Tra la la la laaaa…

JOHN:	(D) I think that maybe you should try the tea. It’ll give us an idea of what’s happening.

F/X: 					KETTLE WHISTLES.

POD: 				Tea’s up!

JEMIMA: 			Thanks Pod. (SPITS) Ptooo – this tea is cold, Pod.

JOHN: 	(D) Ok... Update… On further analysis he appears to be failing even as a kettle. 

JEMIMA:	 		But what does this mean?

JOHN: 	(D) Death probably. You really should have picked this up earlier. 

JEMIMA: 			I should have picked this up earlier?! 

JOHN: 	(D) I’m only support Jemima. How am I supposed to know what’s going on if you don’t tell me? 

JEMIMA: 	How am I supposed to tell you if you haven’t told me what’s going on?

JOHN:			(D) Is this about me and Graham?

POD: 				Oooh! Now it’s getting juicy. 

JEMIMA:			(D) No! It’s about the fact that I’m in a death Pod. 

POD: 				I’ll take that as a nickname. It’s got bite. 

JOHN: 	(D) Because if it’s about Graham, you’re welcome to him.

JEMIMA: 			What? 

JOHN:			(D) Graham. We’re through. 

JEMIMA: 	It’s not about Graham. I couldn’t care less about Graham. What’s going on with Graham?

JOHN:	(D) I’m sick of him. He’s never home. He’s always out with his friends, having fun.

POD: 				I’m sorry to hear that, John. 

JOHN: 	(D) Thanks, Pod. It’s ok... Really…It’s just hard being alone. 

JEMIMA: 			Shut up both of you. I could be on the verge of					dying here and I don’t care about your love life. 				(PAUSE) Have you tried talking to him?

JOHN: 	(D) I’ve tried but he doesn’t listen. He still acts like he’s a bachelor. 

JEMIMA: 			He is a bachelor. 

JOHN: 			(D) Well yes… I suppose he is… technically.

JEMIMA:	Have you considered moving things on a bit? Taking the relationship to the next level?

JOHN: 			(D) How do you mean?

JEMIMA: 			I don’t know. 

JOHN:			(D) Are you sure? You sound like you might know. 

JEMIMA: 			Well I suppose you could…

JOHN: 			(D) Yes?

JEMIMA: 			You could…

JOHN: 			(D) Yes? Yes?

POD: 				(DISBELIEF) No…

JEMIMA: 			Suggest moving to Exeter and settling down? 

JOHN: 	(D) Boom! There it is! That’s fifty dollars you owe me, Pod. 

JEMIMA: 			What?!

POD:	I don’t believe it. 

JEMIMA:	You don’t believe what? 

POD:	John bet me he could get you to suggest he move to Exeter with Graham. And he’s only gone and managed it! I didn’t think you’d ever go for it what with it…

JEMIMA: 	… it being my life plan with Graham when we were together?

POD: 				Exactly. Hilarious stuff, no?

JEMIMA: 			No. And I don’t see how it helps me. 

JOHN: 			(D) Helps you with what?

JEMIMA: 	The fact that Pod is on the verge of lethal collapse! Or that he’s driving me mad. 

JOHN: 	(D) Ah yes… Well… Not a lot we can do there. I can send a patch through but, at this distance, that’s going to take a couple of months to upload. Until then, have you considered just trying to get along with each other?  

JEMIMA: 			Get along how? 

JOHN: 			(D) Well, I have got one idea… 

FADE

SCENE 3.

POD:	(CHEERY) Good morning, good morning! Please take a seat. 

JEMIMA: 			It’s the afternoon, Pod. 

POD:				(CHEERY) Please take a seat.

JEMIMA:			And I’m already sat down. 

POD: 	(CHEERY) Welcome to your latest UK Space Agency training session! Before we start some quick notices. There’s no fire alarm planned for today so, in the event that you should hear the siren, please make your way to the nearest mini-escape pod, situated on your left. Please turn off your communicators or, at the very least, put them on silent if you’re expecting an important call. Finally, please be respectful of your colleagues. There’s no right or wrong in here. This is a safe space. Please feel free to speak your mind in the knowledge that, when we leave, your confidence will be kept. Chatham House rules! Is everyone ok with that?

JEMIMA:			Urghhh. 

POD:	(CHEERY) Excellent! Then let’s get started! Today’s topic is: “Getting along with your colleagues”. Does everyone know each other? (PAUSE) No? Ok, let’s start with an ice-breaker! Let’s all go around the pod and see if we can find someone we’ve never met before. 

JEMIMA: 			It’s only you and me here, Pod. 

POD: 	(CHEERY) Now what I want you to do is have a chat, nothing more, and find out three interesting things about the other person. Be quick though… you only have one minute. 

JEMIMA: 			This is ridiculous. 

POD:	Try and relax into it, Jemima. Like a warm bath or the acceptance of mortality. You’ll get the most out of it that way. 

JEMIMA: 			Fine. 

POD:	Excellent… (CHEERY) Oh hi there, my name’s Pod! What’s your name? 

JEMIMA: 			Jemima. 

POD: 				(CHEERY) No way! 

JEMIMA: 			Yes way.

POD: 				(CHEERY) I work with someone called Jemima. 

JEMIMA: 			I know.

POD:				(CHEERY) You know Jemima, Jemima?

JEMIMA:			We’ve met. 

POD:				(CHEERY) This is incredible! 

JEMIMA:			This is stupid.

POD:	(CHEERY) And that’s time. Now to report back to the group. Hi everyone, I’m Pod and this is Jemima. Her name is Jemima, she knows my colleague Jemima and she hates training sessions.

JEMIMA:			I never said that. 

POD:	(CHEERY) You told me with your eyes. My turn! My turn!

JEMIMA:	Fine. Hi Pod, can you tell me three interesting things about you to report back to you, please?

POD:	(CHEERY) Sure thing Jemima. I’m a UK Space Agency Pod, I love KFC and, by pure coincidence, I actually work with someone called Jemima. 

JEMIMA:			Exactly how long does this last for, Pod?

POD:				Just another three and a half fun-filled hours. 

JEMIMA:			This is agony. 

POD:	(CHEERY) Now I want everyone to get into twos. (PAUSE) Everyone found someone? Good… Well done… Jemima, I was wondering if you’d like to join me up here at the front? To show everyone how it’s done?

JEMIMA:			How what’s done, Pod? 

POD: 	(CHEERY) Just a little trust exercise. What I want you to do is stand up. 

JEMIMA:			Ok. 

POD: 	(CHEERY) And turn around so you have your back to my monitor. 

JEMIMA: 			Right. 

POD: 	(CHEERY) And… when you feel the moment is right… just hold out your arms and gently fall backwards. 

JEMIMA:			Absolutely not!

POD: 	Please Jemima. It’s a way of engendering good faith between colleagues. I can assure you I will catch you. 

JEMIMA:			No you won’t! You don’t have arms. 

POD:	Please Jemima, these sessions are designed to be suitable for everyone, no matter their sex, sexuality, age, disability or other vulnerabilities. There is no reason why I, as a pod, should be excluded and frankly you could end up on a disciplinary for trying to. 

JEMIMA: 	But I’m not excluding you, Pod. I just don’t want to fall backwards and smash my skull open on your greasy chicken grill. 

POD: 				Please Jemima, you have to work with me on this. 

JEMIMA: 			No, Pod!

POD: 	If you don’t I’ll have to report it…

JEMIMA:	I don’t care!

POD:	(CHEERY) Now just hold out your arms and gently fall backwards.

JEMIMA: 			There is no way I’m going to do that, Pod.

POD: 	(CHEERY) Just hold out your arms and gently fall backwards.

JEMIMA:			No!

POD:	(CHEERY) Just hold out your arms and gently fall backwards.

JEMIMA:			Ahh shock it!

F/X: 	THE MASSIVE CRASH OF JEMIMA FALLING BACKWARDS AND SMASHING HER HEAD OPEN ON POD’S GRILL. 

POD:				Jemima? Jemiiiima?

JEMIMA:			Urgh.

POD:				Are you ok? 

JEMIMA:			I think I’m going to be sick. 

POD:				How many fingers am I holding up?

JEMIMA:			None. 

POD:				Good. Are you ok to carry on?

JEMIMA:			I don’t think so. 

POD: 	Are you sure? I don’t want you to miss the end of the session…

JEMIMA: 			I think I’m bleeding… 

POD:				You’ll miss my inspirational speech. 

JEMIMA:			From my head… bleeding. 

POD:				Plus it’ll go down on your permanent record. 	

JEMIMA:			I need medical attention... 

POD:	And then you could end up assigned to some really bad missions. 

FADE

SCENE 4.

F/X:	SOUND OF THE AIRLOCK

DELIVERY MAN:	Hello! Deliveroo-Intergalactoo! Got a KFC family bucket meal for a Mr Pod?

POD:				Sweet. Stick it in my grill will you?

DELIVERY MAN:	Sure.

POD:	Mmmmmm.

DELIVERY MAN:	There is a little question about the payment though…

POD:				No way!

DELIVERY MAN:	Yes way. The delivery cost alone out this far is over 9000 dollars.

POD:				Wow! That’s a lot of money. 

DELIVERY MAN:	It’s a lot of cycling, too. 

POD:				So the total is?

DELIVERY MAN:	9032 dollars. Plus my tip because it’s still warm, of course.

POD:				Really?

DELIVERY MAN:	Yeah. I’ve had it shoved up my jumper the last four months. 

POD:				Ah that’s ok. Just charge it to my usual card. 

DELIVERY MAN:	About your card... Is that the one under the name Miss Jemima Belafonte? 

POD:				Yup, that’s me. 

DELIVERY MAN:		Not Mr Pod?

POD:	Nope, that’s just my nickname. 

DELIVERY MAN:		Seems legit. Charge accepted. Want a receipt?

POD:				I don’t think so. 

END